*This article contains references to addiction and death, which some readers may find upsetting*

By Cathy Miller

“Lead by our hearts” is a term heard regularly from Debi Natale and Helen Carey, co-directors of Washington-based Parent to Parent Addiction Services, Inc. in Warren County. Opened in 2014, it’s based on a model founded over 20 years ago in Marlton, New Jersey (Burlington County). Their mission is to reduce overdose deaths by helping families locate appropriate services so everyone has the opportunity to seek recovery. These two parents, Debi and Helen, are talking with other parents, assisting them on a frightening and unpredictable journey. Parents are not the only ones who benefit from Parent to Parent. They also help spouses, siblings and partners, as well as the person suffering from addiction.

Too many still believe that drug addiction is a personal failing. It is not. Addiction is a debilitating and potentially fatal disease if untreated. For Parent to Parent Addiction Services, Debi and Helen believe in giving hope because “every life matters and recovery happens.” To that end they offer education, support, advocacy, and assistance in accessing detox centers, treatment facilities, and appropriate aftercare for their loved ones. They have contacts all over the state and can generally get someone into the level of treatment needed within 24 hours.

The Parent to Parent Support Group is a proven means of helping people cope. Debi said, “We’ve been told over and over ‘if this group had only been here years ago’ or ‘I wish I had known.’ Our meetings never have an end time because sometimes there are people that come in and share that are in crisis. The majority of the attendees’ loved ones are still struggling. They can share whatever they want and ask questions of the group. We also have people coming now that are in two or more years of recovery. There is so much they have learned about the other side of it, how their loved ones felt. It makes their recovery stronger than just going to a meeting with other people in recovery, like NA or AAf, which they also attend. They have helped people here understand what was going on in their brains, why they had to continue using the substance. We’re so glad that we met them, they’re very special. Registration is not necessary to attend our confidential support meetings. Anyone dealing with a loved one’s substance use disorder is more than welcome. They can share or just sit and listen. We will meet with people individually by appointment if they aren’t quite ready to share in a group setting.”

Parent to Parent has experienced tremendous growth over their five years of service. Helen said, “When we first started, we held our meetings at a church and worked out of our homes. We had two people attend our first support meeting. It just blossomed from there. We moved here [Washington Avenue] in April 2019.”

“We usually have twenty or more people at our support meetings now,” Debi added. Meetings are held at their office on the first Monday of the month beginning at 6:00 p.m. They’ll stay as long as people need to talk.

Parent to Parent does not have a hotline number. Helen explained, “We give out our cell phone numbers because we want our people to be able to reach us whenever they need to. A crisis doesn’t end at five o’clock. We answer calls at any time.” They have an office number, 908-223-1951, for business and inquiries.

In 2016, Manchester, NJ police launched a program called “Not Even Once.” The first of its kind in NJ, it’s a comprehensive drug awareness program for 12th grade students. The main focus of the three day session is to educate them about the dangers of abusing opiates and help them make informed decisions. Chief Thomas Cicerelle, Washington Township Police Department, thought so highly of “Not Even Once” that he took money from their own budget to get his officers trained. Originally geared towards 12th graders at Warren Hills High School, Helen felt they should start younger. Chief Cicerelle arranged for presentations at the Middle School as well. She explained, “You have to start there. It’s where things start to change. We have to talk about substance use disorder at every age, so it’s in their brains before they’re exposed to it. Don’t be afraid to say something or tell somebody.”

SHARED EXPERIENCES – DIFFERENT OUTCOMES –
SPEAKING OUT AND THE LANGUAGE OF HOPE

Frankie is living in long-term recovery since 2012 after many years of heroin addiction. Billy lost his life to an accidental overdose in 2013 at the age of 20.

Helen spoke about her son. “I really feel my son Billy started with cigarettes. He was sneaking them in seventh grade. Eighth grade was alcohol at a sleepover. Then came pot. Around 2011, I was prescribed oxycontin when I broke my arm, so it was in the house. He took my prescription when one of his friends told him to go through the medicine cabinet and bring any pills to his house. I guess he wanted to be liked and to fit in so he did, never expecting that was the beginning of the end. He thought he was just going to be cool and try some pills. He was instantly addicted.”

Debi spoke about her son. “When I found out that my youngest son, Frankie, was addicted to heroin, I actually believed that because we’re a very close-knit family, my husband and I and his three siblings were the best ones for him. He needed to go to rehab, but we thought we could help him better than anybody else because we knew him. When he first decided to try heroin, he thought he would be in control of it. Nothing bad had ever happened to him…until heroin came into the picture. He will tell you now, he was addicted after the very first time. ‘You try it and,’ as he recalled, ‘it takes control of your mind, your body, everything.’ This disease is so cunning.”

Helen: “I can tell you my son wanted to quit. He really hated it because of what it does to your body. It changes your brain. The sickness that comes with withdrawal, ‘the flu times ten,’ is what makes them still want and need it. They don’t want to feel that sick.”

Debi: “It’s almost like a film comes over you – you don’t feel incredibly happy, you really are just in the moment. Opioids block the feeling sensors, and when you’re in rehab and go through detox, those sensors are active again. First off, it’s very hard to deal with the guilt. They think, ‘What am I putting my family through?’ The tears, the feelings, the legal matters, along with the physical pain, the drug lures them back, it’s stronger than anything.”

Helen: “When I first lost Billy I would go to support meetings to try to understand why he did it. They said the first time is like the warmest hug you’ve ever felt in your entire life. The next time you do it, that feeling isn’t there, and you never feel it again. They’re just miserable. They hate themselves. They feel hopeless. They feel like they can’t get help. I realize now that’s when the families can’t give up, it’s so important for their loved one to have love. They’re worth loving. This wasn’t talked about a lot when Billy went through it. We honestly didn’t understand.”

Debi: “Helen and I did a lot research – reading, studying, meetings, talking with people. Many clinicians go by what’s written in books. Over time we realized that’s nothing at all like what was going on in my household. Living it and helping as many families as we have gives us a personal component.”

Tough love is often considered a first line of defense. Debi explained, “Tough love is very misunderstood when it comes to this disease. The first time I was told to show my son tough love, I was at a loss. So many questions: ‘What does that mean? How do I interpret that? How do I apply it? How do I react?’ I needed somebody to explain it because I was hanging on by a thread. Tough love felt like pulling away and not showing my son love. We didn’t kick him out of the house, but we were standoffish. At one point, we weren’t too supportive and that’s when Frankie actually spiraled downward. We learned you support them and you love them always. You have to love them, you hate the disease. You hate what they’ve become and what the disease makes them do. But you always love them. We also learned if you’re doing things to fix all of their bad consequences, you’re doing them a disservice. If you’re doing everything they should be doing for themselves, they have no accountability to the disease or themselves. That’s where you have to draw the line.”

“We don’t believe in waiting for rock bottom, because rock bottom will be the grave,” Helen said. “Set boundaries. You don’t have to kick them out of the house, but you can say you will not allow drugs in your home. You can write up a contract stating the rules of your home. There are so many things you can do as a parent to motivate or steer them into recovery, and that’s what we focus on at Parent to Parent.”

Debi warned, “Treatment doesn’t always work the first time. Frankie went to rehab at least six times. He relapsed every time we let him back in the house.” Later, he admitted that he learned something from each of those rehabs and used it to successfully go through recovery.

Helen spoke of her son’s experience in seeking treatment. “We tried getting Billy into several facilities, they said he wasn’t sick enough. Billy wanted to get help. Ultimately, he only did 28 days in detox and then we brought him home. It really should be a longer program. Parent to Parent now has contacts where insurance will pay for more than 28 days, we have places that’ll take someone for six months for free. There are a lot of good Christian programs able take somebody for a year. The longer your brain can heal, the better your chances are for recovery. Our mistake was bringing him home. He had a sponsor, he was going to intensive outpatient, he had a nice girlfriend, a car, and a beautiful home. We thought that was going to make a difference, but it didn’t. He also came back to his close friends using heroin. People and places are triggers. We believe strongly in sending them to Sober Living. Part of our grant money is to help pay entry fees into the program.”

Encouraging residents to develop healthy coping skills and habits for their return home, while giving parents and families time to heal, “Sober Living is a home for after treatment, a recovery house,” Helen explained. “The house manager is someone who’s been in recovery a long time. There are five or six residents who agree be drug tested, do chores and follow curfews, they must attend meetings, they must get a job, they have to pay their own way, including rent and food.”

Debi added, “Sober Living residents know there’s somebody in charge in their home. In some cases, the house rules are extremely strict. For people that have relapsed, they’re better off in a stricter home where the manager actually lives onsite. Each resident has chores and there are consequences if they’re left undone. They have one month to get a job. If rent isn’t paid on time there are repercussions. They’re now fully responsible for something important and it gives them back their pride. The more we did for our loved ones when they were suffering, the more they felt like losers, hopeless and unable beat this disease. By continuing to do everything for them, we’re enforcing that feeling in them. I totally believe my son is where he is today thanks to Sober Living and Drug Court.”

Debi: “Helen and I both wanted to give back. We learned so much through our own kids’ experiences and knew we had things to offer. We both were familiar with Parent to Parent in Marlton. We met with them and said we wanted to bring Parent to Parent to Warren County. We wanted to be the voice not only for the loved ones, but for those who were struggling. We’ve gotten many excellent contacts through them. We’ve personally gone to rehabs and meetings where we’ve met people and formed relationships. People know that when someone comes to Parent to Parent Addiction Services for help, we’ll always be there. We follow up with our clients after they’re in rehab, after they go out on their own, and ask how things are going, can we help in any way? It’s ongoing.”

Helen: “We have such a wide network, it’s not really just the two of us. We have a lot of volunteers whose children are now in recovery and are opting to return and give back. They continue to come to our support meetings to help the other parents.” She added, “Peer recovery is the big thing now.” Peer support workers are people who have been successful in the recovery process and now help others experiencing similar situations. She said, “Debi and I took the training. We can go in and meet with somebody who’s struggling and say, ‘We’ve lived it, we understand where you’re at right now. There is hope. There are other people before you that have done it.’ I went to meetings; I also went to a psychiatrist because I wanted answers. I wanted someone to tell me ‘this is what you should try, this is what you shouldn’t do, that’s never going to work.’ I didn’t get any answers. That’s why we wanted to do something different. We give advice. They don’t have to take it, it’s just advice, but advice is helpful. You just have to keep going forward, not blaming or shaming the person suffering from substance use disorder. There’s no defined pathway that’s going to get you to recovery, or we’d all be doing it.”

Helen talked about something near and dear to her heart. “Our next big thing is providing Narcan trainings. When we found my son, he was still alive, but at the time, the police didn’t carry Narcan [nasal spray for emergency treatment of opioid overdose]. We make sure if a parent comes here, they leave with a kit. The police work with us now and are very understanding, they really are making a difference. Debi’s son was revived by Narcan. His friend had it. He’s still alive and seven years in recovery because he was given that chance.” Debi continued, “If his friend hadn’t had it, I don’t know if his friend would have called for help. Not a lot of people know about the Good Samaritan Act. You can be with somebody. There can be drugs. You can call the police and you will not be charged. The original Parent to Parent group lobbied for that and helped get that bill passed in Trenton.”

“One of our biggest assets is we’ve done this for four years with absolutely zero pay,” Debi said. “Sadly this disease is so big and widespread it’s become a money-maker now. Parent to Parent is run by our faith and led by our hearts, something we say often. I know that Helen gives back and shares and has made such a difference in people’s lives because of Billy. He is guiding her. I have never felt so alone in my entire life as when my son was struggling. I was just going through the motions. I don’t want anybody to go through that aloneness. What gives us our strength and makes our services different is we really help from our heart. We’re not driven by anything else.”

She quickly added, “We do need funding.” Helen said, “We run on donations and hope to hold more fundraisers. We were fortunate to get a small grant from Atlantic Health, for which we’re very grateful. 2019 was our second year with the Warren County Race 4 Recovery 5K Run/Walk, to benefit families affected by addiction. It’s held the first Saturday in October at Meadow Breeze Park and is sponsored and supported by NCADD [National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence] NJ Recovery Advocacy Team 8.”

Regarding possible speakers’ fees as a source of funding, Helen explained, “We have definitely thought about it, but I’m terrible at implementing it. For years I’d just go and speak, now we have to seriously consider it. The way one of our Board members explained it is we have to start charging a speakers’ fee to keep all of our services free.” To clarify, Debi noted, “We’re a business now. We’re our own 501(c)3 and we have to treat it as such. Because we’re growing, we need to financially sustain it going forward. We’re going to be getting more peer recovery coaches to help us with some things we’re planning. We need volunteers, too. Eventually there will be some paid positions. It’s the next step for Warren County.”

Too many people conclude Helen and Debi are just mothers sharing their loved ones’ stories – that’s how they started and why they started, but they are so much more. Debi described a ripple effect, “You explain to people why you do what you do and why it’s needed, then they share that knowledge with somebody else. Unfortunately, not everybody makes it. But it’s why we do it. We really want to save lives and heal the loved ones.”

Helen said, “We know the parents are often just so beaten down. The biggest thing we offer is hope. Debi’s son is definitely hope. It’s the language that you use, and always with love. You’re telling them I’m doing this because I love you, not because I’m mad at you.” Debi agreed, “There are tools you can use to make a difference, especially if they’re still living in your home. Language matters when you’re talking to and grieving someone who’s still alive. “

Helen reiterated, “The family is literally grieving the person that they want to come back home. The parents are angry and broken, so we try to guide them. We have a lot of people that come to meetings who have lost a family member. At first we were going to try to do separate meetings but this actually works because everybody has something to contribute. When parents are saying they can’t do it anymore, we say but you can because they’re still alive. With life there’s hope and that’s what you’ve got to focus on. You can’t just give up.”

With the hectic, sometimes stress-filled, holiday season winding down, both Debi and Helen recognize this time of year is busier for them. People in support groups have to maintain self-care. These are times that bring up all kinds of emotions, but in reality, everyone is allowed to step out of tradition in order to be mindful and preserve self-care.

Parent to Parent Addiction Services, Inc.
325B West Washington Avenue
Washington, NJ 07882
908-223-1951
parent2parentwc@gmail.com
www.parent2parentaddictionservices.com
Support meetings are held the first Monday of the month beginning at 6:00 p.m. at their office.